Last weekend in New York City I was fortunate enough to see BRIGHT STAR, a new Broadway musical written by Steve Martin and Edie Brickell, based on the true story of a baby who was thrown off a train. Doesn’t sound like musical material, does it? Well, it is! The show has a dual timeline in which the audience follows a twenty-three year old Billy, an aspiring and talented writer (yes!! a musical about a writer!) and Alice, who’s about forty, who’s the editor of a literary magazine (yes! a musical about an editor!). It’s a love story, a family story, and filled with—get this—Bluegrass music. It’s a love story at its heart, as well as a family saga.
I laughed at the writing and literary jokes, and got all choked up when Alice said to Billy, “You can write.” My hand may have even touched my heart.
But remember all those notebooks and pens I took with me on my trip? I didn’t use any of them. I spent four days visiting with family and friends and not working on my book. Best of all (yes, even better than Broadway), I spent about twenty-four hours with my twenty-four-year-old son who lives in Manhattan (and has long enough arms to take a selfie, which I do not).
Now you understand why I didn’t even write a list while I was gone (okay, I jotted down a few quotes while visiting the FDR Presidential Library, but that was it). It was a recharge I needed with many of people who are most important to me.
So this week, once I recovered from traveling, in addition to diving back into my editing projects (no fear, writer clients, I have not forgotten you!) I decided to work on my quick/elevator/short pitch for my WIP, in order to hone in on the high concept idea—to make sure there was one. My stories always float around in my head, fully formed yet fluid, and writing, revising, and rethinking it in a one-paragraph format allows me to focus on what’s most important. Next week we’ll play with elevator pitches and talk about WHAT THE HECK IS HIGH CONCEPT? If you’d like your elevator pitch or high concept idea featured here, just email it to me at womensfictionwriters@gmail.com by Thursday, April 28, and I’ll choose a few to post (let me know if you’d prefer to be anonymous, otherwise, your name goes up as well).
Thank you to those of you who participated and chimed in as to whether the first scene of my WIP, The Last Bathing Beauty, set your expectations for the rest of the story. (If you missed it, click here.) You offered great insights and gave me a lot to think about as I continue writing about Hannah and Boop! About a dozen of you were brave enough to speak your piece, but about 2000 people saw that post. I don’t talk about numbers much here, but a very small percentage of you comment, and I (and the guest posters) appreciate it more than you know!! Don’t worry lurkers, we love you, too!
A few of you were brave enough to put your own work out there for us to read. Today we have Ina’s first scene. Please comment and let Ina know if this first scene of her novel OF GHOSTS AND GODS (great title, right?) has set your expectations for the rest of her story. Does it give you enough information so that you could fill in the gaps yourself (you know, in case cockroaches ate the rest)? Tell Ina how this works for you, or how it could work for you better. Be helpful and kind and honest.
OF GHOSTS AND GODS – by Ina Jones
Early April, 1983
Louise folded the last Tee shirt from the laundry while the roast “rested,” as her Dad had required ever since she was a little girl. He had been the chief cook and bottle washer on Sundays, especially for the Crown Roast at Easter. “Be it ever perfect to carve,” was his mantra, as he smiled with that elfish twinkle in his blues. Often, he’d play the comedian in exaggerating the “art” of carving and yet, every slice, so neatly placed on the platter. She still wonders how he did that.
The roast for their dinner would be ready in about twenty minutes; its aroma filling the kitchen, spilling over into the dining room, mixing with the scent of lemon meringue pie and of course, clean laundry. With children now gone, there was really no need to carve the roast perfectly as her Dad; in fact, sometimes it just sat beyond its being ready, draped lightly in aluminum foil, her husband being engrossed in projects out in the garage.
A door slammed and jolted her day-dreaming.
Her husband charged into the dining room, arms in the air, jaw taut in frustration.
Louise, caught off-guard by his abrupt, angry appearance, could see his demeanor showing no way of her avoiding confrontation.
She tried to speak but her body did not respond. Paralyzed where all decisions and actions were to be possible, she stood watching the silent tirade, icy fear twisting around her heart…this is crazy. I can’t hear or move.
Her mind stymied as it was, reeled in shocked confusion as to what happened next. Within a matter of seconds, the furniture, walls, everything around them vanished, replaced by a milky, quartz white of nothingness.
He, silhouetted against it, still animated, his anger building. She stood wide-eyed, not blinking, trying to understand everything.
Louise knew there were no sensible whys and wherefores for any of it. Even in her dreams, or in flights of craziness, she never visualized this phenomenon, this weird separation from what just was…
He took a step closer, jaw clenched tightly, muscles responding.
Her breathing shallow and fast, mind racing a crazy mixture of hope and fear, heart pounding, feeling isolated, helpless.
As from cue off-stage, methodically and unflinching in action, she saw her right arm lift away from her body, a revolver gripped firmly, dark metal prominent against her sun-tanned skin.
That’s odd; no! Wait! Wait!
Unable to stop the motion, her mind seemed to force her to watch the movement of the trigger pulling back, smooth and deliberate; the copper-tipped bullet twisting slowly as it left the muzzle, disappearing into oyster-gray smoke towards her husband. The walls, windows, and furniture re-appeared as suddenly as they had left.
He stood, leaning in towards her about five feet away, mouth moving, arms outstretched, palms up, as if questioning. Now she heard him, shouting expletives as he strode off in disgust, leaving her alone, motionless by choice.
Louise felt relief…just a vision…hallucination or something…not real, not real.
She stared straight ahead, beyond where he once stood; beyond where white once was; beyond the screened-in patio, her eyes resting on the cement Flamingo statues saved from a garden redo…but her mind only dimly registered what she was seeing. Their bodies bleached to barely a blush from years in the sun, both stood stiffly on their rebar legs beside the cracked bird bath that held no water. The beak on one, badly chipped, the other, a rusty head wound.
Louise gasped, alarmed, realizing in a shiver of panic―she and her husband, the flamingos―their marriage, the bird bath.
Please leave comments for Ina below and give her big virtual hugs for wanting to do this!
See you next week (and in the comments)!
Amy xo
Hi Ina! Thank you for being the first of a very few who wanted feedback on a first scene!
The expectations set are two-fold for me.
First, I pictured Louise as a disgruntled, or sad, homemaker and wondered what would happen when her husband walked in. I think this would have more of an immediacy without the backstory of her father. That doesn’t seem relevant to me, except maybe in a quick mention that would show the reader that carving a roast is a habit of sorts. I’d have liked to stay in the present, since that’s what would compel me to read further. The somewhat saddened Louise intrigued me, I felt bad for her, and therefore I wanted to know what was next.
Second, I’ll admit I had to read twice to understand what I think was happening. It might be worth revisiting if that’s something others say, because your reader won’t read twice, nor should she have to. I am not sure where the gun game from, if it’s real or imagined. Maybe this is a dream sequence, in which case, I’d recommend starting the book in realtime, not dreamtime. Did she reach for a gun? Pretend there was a gun? Again, I’m not sure.
I do get the inside-the-head feeling and confusion you’re trying to portray.
I believe that expectations are best met with something tangible, something the reader can visualize and understand immediately. This scene has the real potential of garnering either sympathy or contempt for Louise, but for me, there’s too much swirling around what happens for it to set solid expectations.
I am curious about her, which for me, means that you have set up something of an expectation and that would make me want to turn the page, but I’d be looking for a grounding quite quickly, so I knew why I wanted to spend 300 pages with her.
I don’t know what the story is about yet, I don’t know what Louise wants, and I’d like to know that right away.
You have a lot of opportunities within this first scene to tighten it, and to reveal more of Louise’s purpose. That, coupled with Louise shooting someone, would set expectations for the story. As it stands it raises more questions than it answers—and you want somewhat of a balance with that.
Good work on your manuscript. I can tell you have a lot to show the reader about Louise!
Dear Amy:
Your comments blew me away! Loved them! They were all good for me. The comments by all are truly appreciated, because I did not want pats on the back or anything sugar coated. After seeing what you saw…I’m a believer in having others (outside of your group) read and comment.
Hugs, Ina!! I’m so glad you’ve found the feedback valuable. That’s why it’s here, to give you food for thought!
Well-done for being brave, Ina. I also felt a bit lost in the opening scene. One thing I did feel was the contrast between Louise’s relationship with her father and her relationship with her husband. It seemed her memories of a warm, stable father were almost more real than her actual existence with an erratic husband.
If that is what you were going for, and if you can pull it together tighter as Amy suggested, I think you can hook your reader.
I have the same problem with too much back-story. It helps me to know that George Lucas has an entire history written for Chewbacca. We never see it, but Mr. Lucas has it in his mind as he writes, and it forms the character. You and I need to learn the difference between what the reader needs to know and what is simply background information for us as we create characters.
Kathy,
BIG HUG from me for being the first to offer feedback to Ina.
Amy 🙂
As for backstory, that’s the tricky part, Kathy! Maybe try determining what bits of your character’s backstory move the story forward NOW. Not what got the character to this point. Make sense? And the best analogy for backstory I ever heard was to think of it like a broken mirror with the pieces all over the floor. You pick up the shards very carefully. Do the same with backstory. It’s amazing how much the reader learns when you place those shards throughout the story.
Okay, maybe we need to do a blog post on backstory too! 😉
Yes, please, to the blog post on back story. I understand the broken mirror concept. That helps a great deal.
I’m glad, Kathy!
Kathy:
Being brave is one thing (comes with age) but writing well is another and I am very pleased that people took the time to help.
Thank you. Ina
Okay, I’ll dive in here, too. (Amy, I’ve been a lurker here for a while.)
I agree with everything Amy and Kathy already said. This opening has tons of potential but the backstory drags it down. Also, in the first paragraph you switch from past to a sentence written in present at the end (“she still wonders how he did that”) and that was jarring for me.
While there is some good action, mostly I got confused by it. The white cloud puzzled me–I couldn’t figure out if we’d leapt from women’s fiction to some kind of SciFi where suddenly we have been transported to a different place? And I couldn’t figure out where the gun came from–I expected her to plunge her carving knife into her nasty husband.
But, Ina, you have a great start here with tons of potential. If you clarify our issues, you’ll have a wonderful opening!
Charlotte:
I was unsure about using the backstory about the father (so much of it anyway), but figured nothing ventured, nothing gained.
Um, about the white…crazed? Yup.
Great comments. Thank you. Ina
Ina…First, applause for putting your ‘child’ out there for others to critique. I know from experience as a writer and a mother that the feeling is very similar to the first time you hear a stranger criticize your child.
For me, the expectation set is that Louise is an unhappy woman and after her husband enters, I feel she is perhaps an abused wife. The scene made me wonder what has happened in the past to bring her to this point and will she eventually be pushed to the point where she will act on her imaginings.
You have potential for a scene with powerful emotions but it feels diluted with too much backstory about her father. If you could condense that portion to a thought or two about what cooking that particular dish evoked, the contrast between then and now would be just as powerful.
I was confused when her husband entered the room. He was obviously very angry but I kept waiting for him to say something. Rather than telling about “his abrupt, angry appearance”, let us hear the same thing. It wouldn’t have to be much. Then you could move from that to her reaction of withdrawal, imagining what she would like to do.
The fading to white confused me. I stopped, went back and read it again. So that took me out of the story and I know you don’t want that. I kept wondering where the gun came from before I realized this wasn’t actually happening.
And finally, the last sentence felt like an incomplete thought. I understood why you were comparing the different elements, just finish the thought.
When it comes to backstory, I can sympathize. Personally, I ‘write long’ with my first draft. I concentrate on telling myself the story, getting it all down, even the backstory. Then during revision, I take out all the blocks of backstory and break it up into small bits I can drop in from time to time. Amy’s comment about the shards of mirror is a good illustration. Drop in a small piece when you need a shard to ‘reflect’ a necessary bit of backstory.
With some tweaking, I think you could definitely use this to set the scene for your reader.
Beverly:
Thanks for the applause! I did swallow hard when I pushed that button!
Thank you for your comments, too. I really do take notice of intelligent people and their thoughts/suggestions.
I am taking them all into consideration in my re-write. Ina
Congrats ina for your bravery! My guess here is her marriage is under duress and while he husband does enter the kitchen angry, she is just IMAGINING killing him as she often does. Has she been in this abusive relationship always? Great imagery!
Stephanie:
Right on! When some people have stress beyond their capabilities, their brain protects them in ways that are fascinating. (Psychology mags. are interesting in their articles.)
Appreciate your thoughts on the story.
Ina
This is such a great forum for first-scene critiques, and goodness knows, we ALL need them! Thanks, Amy, for giving us this platform to come together as a writing community–you’re as brave as Ina, and braver than most of the rest of us! I love what Amy has to say about your scene.
In my own critique, I’d say this is a very promising first scene: lots of action and emotion, a high level of tension and mystery. It’s nearly to a full boil within a few paragraphs. For my part, I had no trouble at all with the fading-to-white, where Louise is wishing she had a gun and could blow her husband away when he starts yelling at her–that’s a great description of an out-of-body moment. I also loved the last image of the chipped statues and birdbath, but (and I do this, too, when I’m revising) in a second draft, I’d pull out the declarative stuff about what these objects stand for–the image is clear to the reader and much more powerful if we can just see the broken statues in our mind. That gives us the emotion, and we already know this marriage is probably beyond repair. I agree with one other comment here that it would be great if we could “see” the action and hear the dialogue, so we’re really “in scene” as her husband starts yelling, instead of just having Louise describe that he’s doing it. Watch out, too, for off-the-shelf imagery like “elfish twinkle,” “jaw taut with frustration” and “icy fear gripping my heart”–see if you can find some fresher language. But, again, I’d do all of that in the revision, once you’ve nailed down your scenes. Keep going!! This is great stuff!
Holly:
Thank you for mentioning the “declarative stuff” because I wasn’t sure if people would “get it.” Glad you saw that part. And, I will agree with you totally regard off-the-shelf imagery (I call it romance jargon). I appreciate your taking the time to be so honest with me.
I shall be honest in my writing…no jargon.
Ina
Well I want to know what happens next. It appears that she is afraid of her husband. Just visualized the situation I thought she would shoot him. And maybe she should have?
I would love to see some advice on back story. Is there a good way to use it, or just let as much of it go?