Write every day. Write what you know. Write to a word count. Write morning pages.
Or not.
Sometimes a writer can’t write. Or doesn’t want to write. And I think the best thing to remember is that not everything in life is forever. I tend to forget that because permanence is kind of a theme with me, but it’s true. Now I try to remember that every day. Temporary. Just for now. Change. Change back. When a writer stops writing it doesn’t mean she or he will never write again. Not every writer writes through the bad times. Not every writer writes through the good times, or sick times, or on vacation, in the middle of the night.
Stephanie Elliot, whom you might recognize from Booking with Manic fame, is the kind of writer, and person, who put writing aside to take care of life and some personal hardships. And then she found her way back.
So if you’re not writing right now, remember, you will.
Please welcome Stephanie Elliot to Women’s Fiction Writers.
Amy xo
When The Writing Stopped
by Stephanie Elliot
I used to wonder, what would it be like if these people in my head would just stop living there? If I could just do something else, to not think about them, to focus on the now, the people I see and feel and love every single day. What would it be like to live in a world like that? To live in the present, to not have to think about these characters filling my head? They were so demanding! Calling to me at all hours, waking me in the middle of the night, telling me what they wanted to do, who they wanted to spend time with, introducing me to some strange new friends, sharing with me what kind of problems they were having. They were always running into some sort of crises! Writing was becoming a chore, something I wasn’t enjoying all that much, something I was struggling with to make happen.
The characters in my head quieted about a year and a half ago when I stopped writing, not because I wanted to, but because I felt I had to. I didn’t feel like I could spend the time creating a fictional world when I had to deal with something real going on in my life, and in the lives of my closest family members.
So, the writing stopped. My 10-year-old son was diagnosed with epilepsy.
Focus on anyone but Luke was clearly impossible. To give time to imaginary characters running through my head would be a disloyalty to my child, and with two other teenagers at home, it was all I could do during that time of crises to not go insane. I didn’t need mentally unstable characters filling my head on top of this family trauma, especially now that I was the mentally unstable one and I had to keep it together for my family. So, I “sent” all of my characters to a private island for a while and told them to enjoy their holiday. When I was ready to work with them again, I’d come calling for them.
Did I miss not writing? So much. It was more than a year away from one of the things I love doing the most. It was more than a year away from reaching the goals I had set for myself.
It was also a lot of time spent being very close with my son, of figuring out his medication, helping him through serious seizures, sleeping next to him many days and nights, holding his hand, hugging him tightly, crying with him, telling him that I don’t understand but I wish I did, and how I wish it could be me instead of him. It was more than a year of pain and tears of devastation and education about a disease we knew nothing about. It was a long time of doctors and hospitals and ER visits and something I wouldn’t wish on anyone.
His epilepsy is something that might never go away. We are learning to live with it, and are thankful for available treatment and medication. Luke’s strength and grace has shown me so much in the year and a half since his diagnosis. In the grand scheme of life, I’ve only missed a little time of writing. The characters will always be there. I want my son to always be here. That’s why when the writing stopped, I let it go for a little while. I knew it would always be there, that when I felt ready, I could come back to it.
And I have.
Stephanie Elliot has been married for 20 years and lives in Scottsdale, AZ. She has three children and is a freelance editor for a variety of parenting websites. She is also the owner of Booking with Manic, a popular book blog, where she has hosted hundreds of authors and given away hundreds of books over the years. She is the author of What She Left Us and the e-novella, The Cell Phone Lot. The Life After will be published September 2013.
What She Left Us is available on Amazon.
It can be incredibly intimidating to read all the advice about writing every day, 1,000 words a day, etc. when you’re just trying to keep it all together. Real life does have a way of getting in the way of the “other” life going on in our heads. Especially when it involves our kids. Before I started writing, I dealt with a chronic health condition with my son for about 8 years. I know I would not have had the mental or emotional energy to write during that time. And, this summer, I gave myself permission to put things aside for a couple of months—no writing, no editing, no critique groups—as I got my daughter ready for college. Just dropped her off last week and I’m ready to get back on the saddle. I’m hoping this time away will offer me a fresh perspective and renewed energy as it has for you. Thanks for sharing your experience!
Thank YOU for sharing your story as well! It’s nice for me to realize I’m not alone in this journey. From the time I sent this post in to Amy from the time it was posted, I am now dealing with new troubles with my son — severe anxiety and depression that stems from his epilepsy so I’m back to not writing again. I know someday it will happen again, but he comes first. I’m glad that you gave yourself permission to spend precious time with your daughter this summer. That had to be wonderful!
Thanks so much Stephanie for being so honest. I was just beating myself up about not writing for more than a month due to family issues. I was even so desperate to think maybe I sould even write my issues into my blog and stories. But after reading your experience, I will just put my writing in a little box for now and it feels right. Thanks again!! and I wish you all the strength and hope in the future.
Thanks Catina! Even if you do write about your issues on a private blog, that might help too! We can’t beat ourselves up for our real-life issues. I hope things get better for you soon! Sending love and peace to you!
Hi Steph & Amy! Steph, I admire your sense of priority. Your heart is always in the right place and your muse will bide her time and wait. In the meantime, you have experienced, alongside Luke, a range and depth of emotion that you can mine for your fiction… Much love! K
Love you Karen! Thanks for taking the time to drop a line! Wish we were still in the same circle so we could hang out at Panera and talk writing and laugh a lot too! Miss you! xoxo
Steph, I heart you even more after reading this! And those characters will be waiting for you when you’re ready. You’ve such a positive and inspiring person. Big Hugs to you. xoxoxo
Liz! You don’t know how much this means to me. Thank you! Yep, those characters will come out when they are ready. Thank you so much. xo back at you!
I’m beginning to wonder if Amy’s guests are booked especially for me. I needed to read this post this morning. Thanks Stephanie for sharing the intimate details of your life. You’ll never regret putting your son first and voila the characters probably came back from their island paradise refreshed too.
I wish your son continued strength on his journey and hope he continues on a path of wellness. It’s so hard to see such a young guy struggle through so much. Being a mom means sharing both love and sadness with your children.
Amy, thanks for the reminder that every day is temporary. It makes me appreciate the good days and be thankful that the bad days will be gone. I think I forgot that yesterday. Your timing is impeccable. That’s what’s amazing about having your writing out there. You may just be perseving someone’s sanity with your words and you don’t even know it!
Thank you for reading and sharing your thoughts. I feel so blessed to have everyone here to help me through this time. Which is a roller coaster really — obviously one I don’t want to be on! Writing this post has been like therapy — the best kind. Thank you!
Wow, thank you for sharing this, Stephanie. You’re right that there are so many rules about how to be a “writer” but sometimes they don’t take into account everything else we are too: mother, daughter, sister, wife, friend, horseback riding enthusiast–whatever else it may be. Sometimes the writing is what makes us feel whole. Sometimes it’s not the only thing, and you’re wise to realize the need to prioritize in order to achieve YOUR definition of happiness and what matters most.
But I am glad you’re writing again 🙂
Thanks Natalia! I *was* writing again, but those characters went back to that darn island. Luke is having some severe anxiety now, stemming from the epilepsy, so that’s back on the front burner, and the writing is on the back burner again. Such is life, but I know it’ll return. ebb and flow…. 🙂
I stopped writing for a period of almost 6 years when my parent’s were ill. There were times when I wondered why I wasn’t capable of taking care of them and writing, too. I even felt bad about it, but I know I made the right decision. They needed me far more than I needed to spin stories on a keyboard. And the time that I spent with them before their passing, enriched my life.
Thank you for sharing your story. It was timely for me as well. I’ve had health issues this summer and wasn’t able to juggle a full schedule so I continued to work on my novel and let my blog and social media slide. You reminded me that I need to give myself a break.
I wish you and your son the best.
Thank you Diana, for this. You will always be able to write. You will never get that precious time you had with your parents back. You must be so grateful for that. Blessings to you!
Reblogged this on Diana Douglas and commented:
It’s all about keeping life in perspective…
AMEN TO THAT!
Perspective, Diana and priorities, Stephanie…that’s what it’s all about. I was diagnosed with cancer this year and took time off to reset my priorities. Spending time with my husband, my children and grandkids, and the rest of my family and friends became my solace and strength. I’m back to writing now but do take the time i need to do other things. So my book won’t get written on anyone else’s typical schedule. I don’t care. It will get written on my own schedule. I’m enjoying it more since I’m not working at writing 6 hours a day. I spend and hour or two and then do other things with those I love. I’m much happier this way. Too bad it took getting a nasty disease to learn this truth. 🙂
I too took approximately a year and a half away from writing to care for my father. Through mysterious illnesses, diagnoses and treatments, more illnesses and ultimately pancreatic cancer and his death I spent time with him and my family. Writing wasn’t a priority and I didn’t feel guilty about that. Six months after Dad’s death, I began writing a novel. My characters waiting patiently until I was ready to acknowledge them again. In truth, I’m back stronger than before. Something about witnessing the death of a loved one puts things in perspective. Writing is my passion, but it is miniscule in the broader scheme of my life.
What a great perspective, Stephanie. Thank you for touching on subject that sorta flips my switch. “A real writer has butt in chair, hands on keyboard every single day and produces x number of words each day.” Well, maybe not necessarily. Life gets in the way of every career and family and children must come before everything else. I just got back from spending two weeks looking after my grandson and although, I did make a few notes and thought about the next book, I didn’t write. I focused on my grandboy and I’m not a bit regretful. The words and characters will be there…at least, I’m finding that they don’t run away. And sometimes, they’re better for having simmered a while.
Stephanie, Thank you so much for your honest and heartfelt post. I”m going thru some things at the moment now, too.You have to adjust to who you are in an unforeseen situation, and I appreciate your story of riding it out.
Reposted and responded to your lovely post on my blog!
Thanks for the perspective. It’s easy to feel guilty when not writing. It’s also easy to feel guilty when writing all the time. While balance is hard to find, it is worth looking for.